The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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