I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
