i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
