Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
