I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
