WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
My penis needs a shock collar
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
