ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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