seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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