three words: i give head
three words: not that well
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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