I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize