I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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