The maid of honor just puked.
I'm not really sure actually. until I fell in love with a boy (which was just a few weeks ago) I thought my attraction to men was purely physical.
so you were gay...and then you realized you were EVEN MORE gay
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
