I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize