The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Small penises have feelings too.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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