I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
