I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
