doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
