Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
