fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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