So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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