If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
