Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
