I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
