come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
the liver wants what the liver wants
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
