I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
