maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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