All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
