I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
