I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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