and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
