This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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