Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
