So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
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