woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
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