Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
