The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Randomize
