Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize