Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
