i'm signing you up for texting rehab
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
