Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
