apparently the secret to your success is patron
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
