I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
