i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Dick very happy bro
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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