Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
