The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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