You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
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