you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
