John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
