i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
