I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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