I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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