Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
