just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
