last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
