masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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