Need sex. Gaining weight.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
