apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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