I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
In other news, I just burned my penis
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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