I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
